


call us tragedy

by Forever_in_Your_Heart



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Not a Happy Story, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 03:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6549523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forever_in_Your_Heart/pseuds/Forever_in_Your_Heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>and this is how heroes fall</p>
            </blockquote>





	call us tragedy

Peter Pettigrew is not a good person.

He was, once, but that was a long time ago.

Honestly, that just makes it worse.

* * *

Once, he was young and his parents adored him, doted on him and he couldn’t wait to go to Hogwarts, imagined it as the most amazing adventure.

He says goodbye to his parents on September 1st, happily accepts hugs and kisses from them, doesn’t even notice snickers from watching students. He is ready, he is excited. But the platform is crowded and he is jostled and pushed, is ignored and bumped on all sides. He struggles getting his trunk on the train and no one helps him, not even when he asks. They do get angry though, for holding up the line.

He doesn’t know where to sit, gets dirty, forbidding looks from people whenever he opens a compartment door. A girl his age takes pity on him, finally, lets him sit in hers and he huddles in the corner, starts to think his adventure isn’t quite a dream come true after all. 

* * *

He is so scared at the sorting that he thinks he might faint. The hat takes ages to decide and what if it just sends him home, decides he doesn’t fit anywhere? When it shouts out ‘Gryffindor!’ he is both relieved and excited, basks in the cheers from his housemates. The girl he sits beside gives him a smile in greeting and maybe things will be okay after all.

The hat thinks he is brave and noble and Peter may be walking on air.

* * *

Peter looks at all the boys he’ll be sharing a dormitory with, can’t quite work up the nerve to talk to any of them. Maybe tomorrow.

* * *

He is nervous on his first day of class, gets lost, is slightly terrified of McGonagall, is already baffled by some of his homework. 

He does not know how to make friends, sits by himself, isn’t as good at anything as he wants to be. And then comes flying lessons and Peter is terrified. He knows he will be awful and everyone will be watching and worse, it’s with the Slytherins and Peter is definitely, definitely scared of them.

(he’s heard awful things and Wilkes and Rosier are already mean to him every chance they get, this will only be worse)

(and who could guess they’d all be working on the same side in less than a decade?)

* * *

He is awful, just as he suspected and Wilkes and Rosier corner him after class, laugh and mock and taunt. Peter wants to curl up on himself, can’t do anything but trip and stumble all over his words.

“No surprise Tubby here couldn’t get his fat arse off the ground, don’t think there’s a broom in the world strong enough for that,” Rosier guffaws and Wilkes sneers.

“Maybe you should go easy on the pudding, Fatty,” he says, gives Peter a shove and honestly, all he wants to do is cry.

“That’s funny, coming from you,” a voice says and Peter turns, sees James Potter coming over. He’s not alone, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin following after and Peter is so shocked he can’t even blink.

“Bugger off, Potter,” Wilkes growls but James doesn’t appear fazed. 

“Hmm, I dunno, Sirius, should we?” he asks, turning to Sirius who grins.

“Nah, I think we’re good right here.”

“I reckon you’re right,” James says with a nod, “So why don’t _you_ bugger off? I mean, I know you’re a little disappointed, what with how terrible you are on a broom, but that’s no one’s fault but your own.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agrees, “probably the tarts. And Rosier, well, I’m gunna go with your over sized head. You should probably get it checked out, I doubt that’s natural.”

Wilkes and Rosier look furious and Peter wants to cower, but James and Sirius just keep grinning.

“Off you pop, boys, I’d hate to have to make you,” James tells them and Sirius smiles in a way that makes Peter pretty sure _he_ would like to make them.

“Why you-” Wilkes starts but Rosier grabs his arm.

“Come on, they’re not worth it.” Wilkes spits but leaves with him, Sirius jeering at their backs.

(this is the first, and _only_ , time those two walk away. Soon, they’ll learn to be more than bullies, to be vicious, cruel, _evil_ )

Peter stares at the three of them and Sirius seems kind of disappointed Wilkes and Rosier have left, Remus gives Peter a nervous sort of smile and James looks satisfied with how everything turned out.

“I…you.. _.thank you_ ,” Peter fumbles out and James just grins at him good naturedly.

“Ah, well, us Gryffindors gotta stick together, right?” 

Peter nods, entirely starstruck.

(this is the beginning)

(and also the end)

* * *

He starts following them around after this, can’t help but gravitate towards his heroes. Remus is kind of shy and guarded, not that Peter can understand why, Sirius seems mostly uninterested and a little bit annoyed, but James doesn’t seem to mind, which makes Peter glow.

Somewhere down the line it stops being just hanging around, starts to morph into something like friendship. Remus becomes a bit more open, Sirius less disdainful and James actually waves him over, offers him the free seat at their table. 

Peter is bright like the sun.

* * *

Things keep getting better and almost friendship becomes _real_ friendship, feels like every good dream come to life. He always sits with them, in class, in the Great Hall, at Quidditch matches, in the common room. He partners up with Remus when it comes to group work, is let in on inside jokes. They spend lazy afternoons in the grounds, listen to James go on and on about being a professional Quidditch player. Sirius leans over in class, whispers snarky commentary in his ear as the professor teaches, makes them both fight to hold down their laughter. They sneak down to the kitchens together, under the wonder that is James’ invisibility cloak. James grins at him in that magical way, the one that could inspire anyone, tells him he’s _brilliant, that would be the perfect prank, Pete._

And when anyone, it doesn’t matter who, tries to tease him, make fun of him, they are there, his heroes.

He belongs.

(if only that would’ve been enough for him)

They overshadow him in every way but he barely notices. Remus works hard, is clever and kind, earns every teacher’s respect. Sirius is effortlessly attractive, has every girl chasing after him. He is _cool_ and brilliant without trying. James is funny and talented at everything, burns warm like the sun.

Peter is the odd man out, but he doesn’t care.

He _belongs_.

* * *

When they discover Remus’ secret, Peter is _terrified_. A _werewolf_. He thinks of every horror story he’s ever heard, is stunned and _scared_. 

He is lost.

James is not, never is.

“We’re mates, _that’s_ what matters.”

Peter is still scared but James is right.

Remus is his friend.

And Peter Pettigrew is a Gryffindor, he will be brave.

* * *

Remus is in tears when they tell him that they don’t care, was so sure he’d lose them and everything else.

“So you get a bit furry once a month, you should see my Dad when he hasn’t shaved in a while,” James jokes, Remus lets out a watery laugh and then there’s a group hug, Peter wedged in between Sirius and Remus.

He realizes, right here, that they aren’t friends.

They’re brothers.

(for now at least)

* * *

Hogwarts is his glory years, his golden age. 

He has three best friends, is appreciated in a way he never imagined he could be. There are high fives after a successful prank, endless rounds of snowball fights, perfect summers at the Potter home. There is Remus, the two of them sharing looks, being equally befuddled in Potions, teaming up to make sure James and Sirius’ insane plans are actually possible. There’s Sirius, the two of them staying up late to come up with the perfect nickname for Snape, being equally crazy about Honeydukes and all their sweets, crafting perfect lies to get out of trouble. There’s James, never giving up on him as he struggles to learn how to turn into an Animagus, the two of them trying to figure out how to impress Lily Evans, always laughing at each other’s bad jokes.

There’s cheering for James at Quidditch, congratulating Remus on being made a prefect, finally achieving the Animagus transformation, wandering the grounds and making their brilliant map. 

There’s happiness.

* * *

And then things start to fall apart.

Sirius has always had a hard home life, something Peter has never quite understood. He’s a mama’s boy, is nothing but loved. There are signs, more like scars, with Sirius, there always have been, but Peter has never been able to do anything about them, has never quite gotten how deep they run.

Sirius runs away from home in their fifth year, something so foreign to Peter he can barely understand it. But the strain, the _pain,_ it makes Sirius angrier, makes him more rash, makes his words harsher, a little more insensitive. Some of his jokes bite in a mean way, hurt like they shouldn’t. Remus winces but never says anything back when Sirius makes nasty cracks about his condition and Peter is silent too, tries not to cry at comments about his weight, his personality, his intelligence. 

_He doesn’t mean it_ , James assures them, face pinched up tight. He tries to help, as he always does, tries to drag a drowning Sirius back up for air. He tries to keep the rest of them a afloat too.

(but who keeps _him_ afloat?)

_You know you’re brilliant, Pete_

_Oi, Padfoot, rein it in, will you?_

_Monster’s right, Moony, the way you slay essays is legendary_

_His head’s not on straight right now, you know he loves you, of course he does_

(James has always been their guiding star)

(he is handsome, rich, talented, likable, has a happy home life)

(but he is still just a boy and no one can save everyone)

(James Potter tries though) 

(he _never_ stops trying)

* * *

And then, as their fifth year starts to wane, Sirius does _it_ , the thing that changes everything.

Here’s what you need to understand.

They’re _kids_ , just kids and the world is a heavy burden to bear and no matter how strong they are, no shoulders can carry that weight. 

(they are a generation of children, one the world has failed)

When the cracks come, when that fateful _joke_ happens, nothing ever goes back to how it was, it can’t.

* * *

Sirius is not a bad person.

He’s fragile, he’s broken, he makes the wrong choice. It’s not okay, not at all, but at least in everything else, Sirius does what’s right.

(Peter wishes he could say the same)

* * *

They forgive (or so they say), pretend to forget but that _prank,_ it hangs over them forever.

Remus moves past it, but the betrayal, it stings for the rest of his life.

He and Sirius are never the same, they can’t be.

Sirius is secretly guilty, knows deep down he fucked up, but admitting it, facing up to his demons, that’s something he never quite masters. 

James holds them together though and they do not fall apart. 

(not yet at least)

* * *

Sirius mellows a bit, starts to resemble the boy they used to love and things seem normal.

(normal enough at least)

They are brothers and brothers fight.

But in the end, they always come back to each other.

(until they don’t)

* * *

James talks often about joining the fight against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named after graduation, wants to do what’s right, believes in equality and freedom and goodness. 

(he’s always been naive)

Sirius is right there with him, of course he is, full of reckless valor. Remus knows what it is to be prosecuted, will stand for what’s right.

These boys (still just boys) are brave, strong, heroes.

Peter wants to be too.

He is terrified, sick to his stomach but he is a Gryffindor and they have courage running through their veins.

Peter will be brave.

* * *

When they graduate, Peter knows what people think of him. 

Sidekick, hanger on, useless lump.

Even the teachers think poorly of him.

But he has his friends, his brothers and that’s what matters.

(or at least it used to)

(its starting to mean a little less these days)

* * *

They join the Order.

They go to war.

And Peter falls.

* * *

He cannot be brave, he _can’t_. He is scared, so scared, feels it living in his lungs and blood and heart, every day, every minute, every second.

Remus disappears on long missions, James takes on too much, as always and Sirius starts to see hostility in every shadow.

Their allies die, day in, day out. 

The Ministry is a joke, their power nothing but an illusion.

Hope abandons Peter, leaves him cold and empty.

He wanted to be a hero.

Instead, he is a coward.

* * *

James, Sirius, Remus, they have given him everything. Would still give him everything but Peter is weak as it turns out, weaker than he ever wanted to be. 

(his brothers aren’t perfect, but he never quite sees all their flaws)

(they are still those boys that saved him years ago, he can’t help but look at them with stars in his eyes)

* * *

He never intends to join the Dark Lord, does not seek him out. But when Wilkes and Rosier arrive at his apartment, he folds like a house of cards.

His life, he decides, is worth whatever price he has to pay.

(he will never be a hero)

He sells out the Order, tells the Death Eaters whatever secrets they want to know. He tries to justify it to himself, but in the end, there is only one truth.

He is selfish, weak, a coward. 

* * *

There is a prophecy, about Harry Potter and the Dark Lord wants everything Peter can give him.

This, right here, is a moment Peter could be brave. He would die for defying him, but at least he would die with a little dignity, could die a slightly better man.

This is James’ baby, _James’._

That should mean something. 

Peter sells them out anyway.

* * *

But the Potters are smart, have always been too clever, move and hide and keep themselves safe. They confide in Peter, still trust him with anything.

(and this is how they die)

* * *

They begin to realize there is a traitor living in their midst, someone selling Order secrets. No one suspects Peter.

(they should)

Sirius and Remus turn on each other, old wounds still not quite healed.

(war has driven them apart, suspicion will be the final nail in their coffin)

James does not turn on anyone, stupidly loyal, stupidly trusting. He refuses to believe someone could turn on him, sell him out. Not his friends, never them. No matter how much evidence, no matter how undeniable, James remains convinced in the bonds of friendship.

(he gets himself, his wife, nearly his own _son_ , murdered because he can’t accept obvious facts)

Peter feeds the fire between Remus and Sirius, deflects suspicion away from himself. He barely even feels it, remorse, guilt. 

He has gone too far.

* * *

They make him secret keeper. They put everything in his hands, all their lives, because all of them, James, Lily, Sirius, they trust him, completely, totally. 

This is another moment where he could do the right thing.

He doesn’t.

He tells the Dark Lord, signs the death warrant without hesitation. 

(there is a little boy, somewhere inside him, that dies today)

Things only get worse from here. 

* * *

James Potter dies. (because of Peter)

Lily Potter dies. (because of Peter)

Harry Potter is orphaned, condemned to years with abusive relatives. (because of Peter)

Sirius Black goes to Azkaban for a crime he didn’t commit. (because of Peter)

Remus Lupin is left utterly, utterly alone. (because of Peter)

Bertha Jorkins dies. (because of Peter)

Cedric Diggory dies. (because of Peter)

The Dark Lord rises again. (because of Peter)

The world is plunged into chaos and war. (because of Peter)

Good people die. (because of Peter)

Lives are ruined. (because of Peter)

* * *

Peter Pettigrew is not a good person.

He was bullied, he was looked down upon by teachers, he was threatened with death. 

None of this justifies anything he’s done.

Peter is a tragedy and it’s his own fault.

We are our choices and Peter chose wrong. 

He could’ve been a hero.

Could’ve lived a good life.

He chose not to.

Chose to join the Death Eaters.

Chose to sell out his best friends.

Chose himself over everyone else.

And those choices are what kills him.

* * *

One moment where the boy he used to be fights back, where he hesitates in strangling Harry Potter.

And so his hand, his gift from the Dark Lord, kills him.

What a sad, pathetic way to go.

He deserved it.

(Remus dies like a hero. He fights against evil until his very last breath, so his son and everyone else can have a better life, a better world)

(the world was so, so cruel to him. And still, he chooses _right_ )

(Sirius Black dies like a hero. He fights for his godson, for the son of his brother. He risks everything to save someone he loves, is selfless and brave)

(the world has always tried to break him. And still, he chooses _right_ )

(James Potter dies like a hero. He fights for his family, and really, the whole world. He knows he’ll die, but he puts himself between them and Voldemort without a _second_ of hesitation, is _good_ to his very last breath)

(he’s always carried too much, could have so _easily_ taken the easy way out. And still, he chooses _right_ )

Peter Pettigrew dies like a traitor.

He dies for nothing, for no one.

Was it worth it?

No


End file.
